On Turning 45
Sunday, June 5, 2011, was a beautiful day in our microcosm. Blue skies, 70 degrees, no wind, smells of summer, and sounds of my sons and husband having an afternoon water fight in our backyard. I was born on a Sunday in 1966. For some reason when my birthday falls on the actual day of the week that my mother delivered me, it feels more... birth-day-like.
Still midlifing, I pinballed in my 45th year, bouncing off of spring-loaded emotions and experiences. Some good, some bad, but all intense. I don't know who's working the flippers, but I remain in play. I'm ready for a break. Let me go, move on, another ball is ready to feel the thrill of the plunger. Launch it while I catch my breath, oh great pinball wizard.
There are too many thoughts and personal stories to share from the past 12 months, but a few words are boldfaced in my mind's memory cyclone. They define areas of growth and struggle.
RELATIONSHIPS continue to fascinate and challenge me. Expectations can leave me feeling both hurt, when mine are higher for the relationship, and annoyed, when I can't meet someone else's. I read somewhere that the average person can realistically maintain 150 relationships. That sounds about right. I wish I could maintain more, because I enjoy connecting with and knowing people. Maybe I'm just nosy...
INTIMACY in new or rekindled relationships has been an issue. I'm doing it wrong. I either assume a level of familiarity that is inappropriate or out of someone's comfort zone, Hey, friend from 1975 who's bed I once wet on a sleepover! Great to see you on Facebook! Want to go on vacation together with our families? Surely we've grown in the exact same direction and have identical memories of our time together 35 years ago! Or I appear aloof because I'm trying to throttle my enthusiasm. Maybe it's called social anxiety...
NOSTALGIA is my crack. I can't get enough. I torment myself by watching old television shows, sifting through boxes of photos, reading journals from my youth, reminiscing with my husband and friends in an attempt to pinpoint details from that time when. Sometimes the reliving feels cathartic and other times it hurts. Maybe it's time to be more present in this moment...
PEOPLE I love and have loved grow in importance to me every year. I wish time wasn't linear so I could experience multiple people during a variety of calendar years... and all at once. Sounds like having your cake and eating it too. Maybe it's nostalgia again...
RELIGION shouldn't dictate our friendships, but I've lost friends due to belief systems. The more I experience, read, observe, pray, meditate, the simpler my views become. I believe God is in the beautiful, often messy, details of life. I don't believe He's in the details of dogma. Maybe they weren't really friends...
HEALTH in the fullest sense of the word as it applies literally to my mind, body and spirit, as well as my relationships, garden, finances, etc., is something I hope to never take for granted. Maybe great blessings come from the most heartbreaking experiences...
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My mother has taken to making cards with old photographs... which fuels nostalgia. My birthday card this year from my parents had a picture of Dad holding me when I was a baby.
The inside of the card included one of Mom's clever poems...
I had a wonderful birthday and even though I feel like I'm still in that stupid pinball machine, I am in play. Maybe I'll beat my high score before I turn 46.